FEAR (monologue) by Maco

As I sat there staring anxiously at the clock, watching it slowly tick by with that cruel monotonous sound, ‘tick, tock, tick, tock.’  

The fear sat there with me steadily eroding the person I was born to be, forcing me to stay in my little cocoon, my ‘safe haven’. Fear was my friend; he kept me safe in his cold, dark embrace, shielding me from all those prying judging eyes. It’s worth it right? I mean, my brain isn’t as brave as I want it to be, for in my life there are so many other people and his little voice always tells me I’m not good enough to be with them, that they’re in a league of their own, he tells me that he’s protecting me from this big bad world and all the disappointment that comes along with it.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all worth it. Every time I so much as think about getting out of my comfort zone my hands and feet start trembling uncontrollably, my eyes water and a paralyzing pain courses through my body. What starts as my stomach contorting and tying itself in numerous never-ending knots suddenly, without any warning, becomes a feeling of being smothered by an invisible pillow. My breathing becomes sporadic, deep and out of nowhere shallow and has me gasping for air. 

Sometimes I question every choice I’ve made up to this point, I mean look at me, I’m a sad excuse for a human being; a shut in with no friends, hobbies and worst of all no purpose. I’ve stopped asking what’s ‘ideal’ in my current state, I’ve stopped seeking the happier version of myself. No matter how much I seem to struggle and try, I can’t seem to recall the last time I reached out for that child-self I once was, the kid who used to love sunshine and rain all the same. I started looking at everything that could go wrong instead of being the optimist I once was, focusing more on the darkness in the light instead of the other way round, until eventually there were no more colours in my world. 

WELL NO MORE, I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS! Do you know how difficult life has been for me ever since you showed up! You say that you’re protecting me but every-time you’re around all I feel is pain and suffering. You secluded me and I felt alone; you’re a manipulative psychopath that preys on the weak. I can’t believe I trusted you, I thought you were my friend, but all you did was hold me back and for what? Your sick twisted pleasure? Well not anymore! This is where you and I part ways, this is where I draw the line.

DEDICATED TO: TLOTLISO SEKETE

                                                                                             

            -Maco

Author's Details:
Ig: the_wylde_oreo
Wattpad: _Armando_DeRiter_
Email: ryukyusato@gmail.com

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